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Book: PEOPLE PLEASING - SAYING NO AND SETTING BOUNDARIES by Rayne Hall

Book: PEOPLE PLEASING - SAYING NO AND SETTING BOUNDARIES by Rayne Hall

star rating  4.7 stars based on the 3 most helpful Amazon reviews
categories: Book, Self-Help, Psychology, People Pleasing, Emotional Health, Social Skills, Self-Esteem




Rayne Hall

Author Rayne Hallabout this book: A practical self-help book that guides you step-by-step out of your need and habit.

Here's an excerpt:

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Step 5: Aim For Helpful Compromises

Before you learn to say no, master the art of saying 'yes, but'.
You agree to do the favour… but you limit your offer. Here are some examples.

Requester: "Can you staff our stall at the church fête on Saturday morning?"
You: "Yes, but I'll have to leave at 12 prompt."

Requester: "When the meeting is over, would you type up my notes, please?"
You: "Yes, but you have to give me the notes in clear handwriting."

Requester: "Will cook dinner for my party guests?"
You: "Yes, but I won't clean up afterwards."

This tactic has three advantages:

It signals that you're not a doormat or a slave.
It limits the amount of work you have to do. (Setting a time limit is especially useful for this.)
It's good practice for you: you get used to giving assertive replies, even though you're not saying 'no' yet.

A more challenging version of the compromise is 'no, but'. You may find this difficult, so practice saying 'yes, but' for a while before you move on to this tactic. However it is less harsh than a stark 'no' because you actually offer to help in a small way, and a considerate requester will appreciate this.

Tip: End the sentence with 'if it helps' or 'if this would help', to make it sound more helpful.
Here are examples.

Requester: "Can you staff our stall at the church fête on Saturday morning?"
You: "No, but I'd be glad to help you pack up afterwards, if it would help."

Requester: "When the meeting is over, would you type up my notes, please?"
You: "No, but if it helps, I'd be pleased to take a quick look when you've typed them, and check them for typos."

Requester: "Will you cook dinner for my party guests?"
You: "No, but if it helps, I could bring a salad."

Action Point
Remember the most recent incident where you were asked and agreed to do something. Replay it in your mind, and mentally change your response. Instead of 'yes' imagine saying 'yes, but' with a small limitation.

Progress Assignment
Next time you're asked to do or give something, give a 'yes, but' reply. If you can't think of a suitable reply right away, stall for time, using the technique from Step 4.

Strategy
From now on, don't reply with a simple 'yes' to any request.
Always give 'yes, but' answers, gradually building up to 'no, but' responses.


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